The LS student travels down a path of transformation extending deep into all aspects of his life. On his bootcamp, he gets a taste of what is possible. His instructors show him the door, but he is the one who must have the burning desire to walk through it. He is taught to gain experience through repetition, similar to practicing a jump shot in basketball, referring back to his notes as he plunges forward. Approaching consistently over time, the blowouts and flakey numbers don’t sting as bad and he slowly begins to “let go of outcome”. He learns to push through those harsh emotional dips and share his success stories with his mates (high fives!!). Regardless of his mental state, he lives to fight another day, small chunking and diligently working toward the dating life he dreams for himself. Qualification becomes a genuine phase in the Emotional Progression Model as he learns to respect himself and value his time; her external beauty becomes merely a prerequisite for the initial interaction. Riding the power of intention and unwavering tenacity, he begins to manifest abundance and confidence for himself.

Months down the line, knee-deep in the process, something happens which is rather unexpected but indeed remarkable. He finds a gem. Sharing deep comfort and intimacy, he discovers the depths of her personality and falls… hard. His hearts pounds as he holds her in his arms. Her feminine energy has the power to calm him down. Her demeanor radiates a subtle power in her sexuality and the sex they share is mind-blowing. He finds himself surprisingly vulnerable as he remembers why he ultimately began this amazing journey in the first place, looking deep into her beaming eyes.

Love Systems gives you the blade (skill set, knowledge) you’ll use to slay the dragon and the stallion (proper boundaries, standards & lifestyle) you’ll need to ride her out of the castle. Regardless of what happens with any one particular princess you fall in love with, you will ALWAYS have your blade and stallion. Love is one of the spoils of war, surprising you during your efforts battling in the trenches. Its an emotional roller coaster! I say enjoy the ride but don’t allow yourself to get knocked off your path. Subconsciously, she has the desire to become the second most important priority in your life, next to your passion. If for whatever reason it doesn’t work out, learn what you can from the experience, open up those bootcamp notes, grab a wing and start slaying dragons again.

Chance

With Sukh’s permission, I’ve posted this email below. I’d love to have readers comment, whether that’s in the comments section below, on Facebook or on Twitter, about their thoughts on this.

When I have time, I’ll write my own response, probably as a separate article.

Sukh, thanks for sending. You definitely raise some good points, and I look forward to discussing more soon (I’ll email you as well to let you know when I manage to write an update).

Thanks

Jeremy

Hey Soul

I’ve been in game for about 6 months now and I’m writing to you not because I want advice but because I am questioning part of the mindset of the community.

I recently read your post http://www.lifewithsoul.com/that-one-special-girl-isnt-that-special/ and found myself disagreeing with it. I’ll explain.

Why am I in game? Coz I want to be more successful with women and just improve my life as a whole. I want the skillset and want to keep it. However, if I were to find a woman that I deemed “special” I would want to be able to keep her. Game is notoriously bad at giving people useful advice on long term relationships.

I believe in the idea of that the things in life that have value are the things we put effort into. If I put effort into work or setting up events and give my time to something in mind and action then it is of real value. Now I do agree that in the initial stages of relationships – there is nothing special about a girl in the sense of what your post says. At that point its a bad investment. Maybe thats all the post is saying.

I would to like to ask PUAs what do they value in life? I mean really value. I value my career, my music, my good friends, my parents, myself, if i had a kid i imagine i would value him or her immensely. Why do I value these things? Because I’ve put my time and effort and love into them. There is a depth of value here. Although my parents often annoy me I wouldn’t trade them in for anything. They are special. This brings me onto another point. What is value? PUAs constantly say be high value. Lets be honest value is transient. I can be high value now and lose it tomorrow. The pickup community started with people like Ross Jeffries and Mystery telling people to pretend to be high value. Next generation of game told people to become and be high value – which i agree with. But when people talk about this it isn’t real value. Real value comes from the things you love – including yourself and people that love you. If I were to be in a terrible car crash tomorrow chances are my perceived value is going to plummet. If i base my life on perceived value and constantly play the game no one will really care if I became extremely ill. Someone who really values you will. I’m not an island. Although I’d like to I won’t always have a high perceived value. I’ve accepted that. It’s useful and game can help you get it but basing your life on it doesn’t seem wise.

Another thing I’ve noticed about the pickup community is that very few PUAs are in successful long term relationships. Adam Lyons is and I respect him for that. He’s had the fun and now values his wife with all his heart. Also at some point I want a family – a stable family. I fear that PUAs never outgrow the shallow lays and fear developing a far more complex interesting relationship – where there can be real feelings of need and loss but also greater feelings of intersubjectivity and wonder. Kind of like what the two characters in the film “Before Sunset” really aspire to. In the film they have a connection that they thought they could find again in other people but never really did.  I’d call it an ethnocentric sort of love which is difficult to find. They become “special” to each other. It doesn’t come originally come from a needy place. It can become a different sort of need though – For the more you invest in a relationship there will come a point where one needs that other person. The same way i need to play my guitar from time to time. It’s simply part of who I am. PUAs don’t like this idea of needing something. In fact they rarely use the love word. I can understand this at the beginning of relationships but human beings have fundamental needs. They feel the need to belong.

See: http://www.adam-mcfarland.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/08/800px-maslows_hierarchy_of_needssvg.png

“It is impossible to exist without passion”

— Søren Kierkegaard

Shouldn’t you be passionate about your long term girlfriend as long as she is too? To consider her special? Isn’t love the fact that you consider someone to be the work of your life and the fact that you’re the work of theirs?I love quoting Tolstoy here:

“All, everything that I understand, I understand only because I love.”

Game teaches attraction skills. That’s it. People often talk about falling in love and love and often get them muddled up. You “fall in love” – meaning become attracted – game here is a god send. But past that is love which is where game gets a bit lost.  Relationships naturally change after the 18 month mark biologically. Chemicals in the brain turn the three core ideas of “love” which your post talks about off. It changes but if its worth it wouldn’t you want to grow with it? I personally feel good long term relationships are based on friendship + attraction. And like it or not but attraction like value is comes and goes because we are human beings. Hopefully game can make it be there more often. I think the reason divorces happen are because 1) the relationship was based on attraction alone and they never should have got together longterm in the first place 2) they grew apart instead of together 3) Attraction was lost and never worked on – became platonic.

I believe in constant growth. I want to get better and I have a way to go but I also want to grow past that. I have aspirations in life aside from in my love life and to grow together with a woman of high value where I am her equal is what I want. I mean who would I rather be a top PUA or someone like Einstein, Obama, Chomsky, Dylan. There are so many other more meaningful ways to grow.

Now in theory my viewpoint is all well and good but in order to practically know when to invest and who to invest in is a tricky one. You see investing in someone leaves a person in a naturally vulnerable position. No one likes that especially PUAs who usually like to feel in control. I don’t have an answer for this yet. But i’d rather gamble once in a while than play it safe. But it is a REAL gamble.

I guess I just want anyone who calls themselves a PUA to really look at who they are and what they want from life and make their own minds up. I’ve got a way to go in my journey and don’t get me wrong I don’t think you should invest in the first hot girl you see but I can imagine a time when I outgrow the game and want more and by this point I should have the skills to keep a woman of high value that loves me and connects with me and at this point why the hell wouldn’t I reciprocate and dive in.

Wish you all the best

Sukh

p.s. I love good debate too so feel free to criticise or poke holes in my argument.

 

Boundary control is seriously powerful in dating, most of all when hot girls think they can ride roughshod all over you. That’s when you need to stick it up for yourself, which is what boundary control is about. Maybe when I have some time, I’ll write my own personal thoughts on it.

For now, here’s the email from my buddy Paul.

I think I shared with you guys how I feel learning game is so beneficial to your entire life, speaking from experience.

I had to have a meeting with 4 of my managers yesterday about overall job performance. They consistently freestyle at the end of projects and bow to the client’s requests. This costs us money and time as they aren’t sticking to the contracted scope. I didn’t know what I would talk to them about specifically but as they walked in I picked the topic “Boundaries”. During the meeting I quickly sent my assistant over to Borders and at the end I gave them all a copy of “Pulling your own strings”.

Here’s the email I got from my HR manager at the end of the day:

“The concensus of opinion is in and all of the Leads and I  concur that it was the best meeting ever. Tony said you were spot on with him and he not only sees his failure but what he can do to make it right moving forward. Colin said they seem to finally make the connection regarding job cost and profit margin. And once and for all they seem to accept the fact that the clients are not friends/or even potential friends.

There was not one negative comment and not only did they feel it was not a beat down, they actually felt good about themselves and their “ability to make it work.”"

Thought you would appreciate knowing.

Often, life is not like a Disney movie

Just heard from Future and the New York crew that they kicked ass on their bootcamp this last weekend. I was reminded of how great a writer Future is, so I dug out one of his most classic articles, if not one of the most classic articles ever written for Love Systems.

Well worth everyone reading, especially if you’ve ever felt really strongly about “that one special girl,” which probably applies to um, everyone. Over to Future…

Beatricide

Let’s talk about love. One of the most important pieces of literature in the world is a love poem. When Dante Alighieri wrote The Divine Comedy, his intent was to show the journey of a wicked soul transformed by the power of love for a beautiful woman. In Dante’s case, the woman was named Beatrice. He met her once when he was nine years old and again when he was eighteen. From his infatuation came one of the most beautiful poems ever recorded. And he never got the girl.

We’ve all been there, I think, although most of us aren’t compelled to write epic poetry in the wake of a pretty girl’s passing. Too many of us fall sway to the halo effect: she arouses me, and thus can do no wrong! It is a position born from loneliness, from inexperience, from fear.

If you’ve been to The Attraction Forums to get dating advice or taken aLove Systems bootcamp, you know it’s axiomatic to eschew attraction to a single woman. When a student asks me how to get This Specific Girl in a phone consultation, I ask him to prepare a new question. Before you can become attractive to women, there is one thing you must do first: kill Beatrice.

I don’t say this callously. I’m a lover. I enjoy the women I’m with. I genuinely seek to find the best in people, although they often disappoint me, as I’m sure they do you. Nevertheless, I seek the goodness in other people. When I start hitting on a woman, I really do hope she’s not going to be a silly twit whose value doesn’t rise beyond the surface beauty that drew me into conversation with her.

I’m not alone. Whenever we ask students at bootcamps about their plans for the future, most of them say they’d like to find That Special Girl, even if they have to seduce a thousand young ladies to find her.

Pause.

That needs more emphasis. You must– must– become a creature of options. For your own sake. Not to become a poon-hound. Until you attain a meaningful, confident, consistent success with the women you desire, your own limitations will devalue the power of your love and limit your ability not only to acquire but also to keep The One.

Love Systems starts and ends with perceived options. Beautiful women are usually conditioned to be acceptably bitchy because they can get away with it. [Don't complain about this - learn how female psychology works so you can use it to your advantage]. Their options don’t close off when they act poorly, so they continue to do so. Less attractive women usually learn that when they like someone, they need to treat him well. Otherwise their options are drastically limited. Pretty girls are able to set their own standards of behavior, and since the odds are good they weren’t raised well, those standards typically stretch the bounds of good taste. I didn’t make the rules.

Most men act like ugly girls: don’t make waves, don’t risk the loss, and don’t treat her like merely one of your social options. Bad call. The women smell it. They feel it, like loser-water splashed all over them. They smell the underlying vibe of your every movement: I hope I don’t mess this up. This neediness — the perception that you aren’t treating them like they are women, like you are a man — is at the root of so many failed pick-ups. That girl you’re pining for might even like you, in that way…

…Just a little.
Teeny.
Bit.

But in her gut she senses a sharp discord with her own feelings of inadequacy and innate discomfort: this guy likes me too much. Boom. You lost the girl.

And so we come to the so-called seduction community. We are told over and over again how bad “oneitis” is. Message boards teem with the mighty keystrokes of those who are mad-learned on the knowledge. But when you’re in the middle of that emotional maelstrom, it’s hard to hear WHY it’s important to kill those feelings for that special, magical girl, to kill Beatrice.

Why? Because she’s not special, and neither are you.
Listen to the radio. Nearly every song is a testimony to how awesome love is.
And it is.
It’s an overwhelming state that inspires, confounds, and defines. Through its experience, all your other emotional potentials fall into sharp relief.

In fact, in the book Getting the Love You Want, Dr. Harville Hendrix distills the experience of love down to three core emotions:
1.) This person is highly unusual and specifically tailored to loving me.
2.) I’ll never feel like this again.
3.) This feeling should last forever.

Biochemically, you are DESIGNED to react to loving emotions exactly how you do. Your emotions are NOT special.
They are, in fact, the textbook definition of common.
Plebeian.
She has loved before.
So have you.
She will again.
So will you.

No, she’s not different. When I hear guys rant about how, “No, she’s different, she’s a sweet girl,” my head starts to spin. Do a search for the triumphs of Love Systems instructors; wherever you stand on the morality if the issue, at some point the testimony of other men’s wives and girlfriends has to amount to something. It’s not good or bad. It just is.

Imagine the most heinous, depraved, “slutty” thing you’ve seen or conceived. Now, know this: you know someone who’s done something like that or worse. Such is the reality of modern reality. Suck it up and deal. After all, you’re probably a normal, decent person, and all that deviance and judgment you just threw out in our imaginary situation there is NOTHING compared to the festival of sin that is your daily, hourly sexual fantasy life. What separates your thoughts from your actions? Sadly, it’s probably an issue of will and game (and for some of you, of course, the law).

No one is actually that special. But everyone is that special. That one girl isn’t worth a damn because everyone has a nugget of gold lodged somewhere in their chest. Everyone has some hidden glory. Sometimes it’s hidden very deeply. But there truly are a vast number of interesting, beautiful women, despite their minority status. In that same regard, no single girl is all you’ve made her up to be. Not one. None. No one. Some of you are reading this and thinking about This One Girl You Know. Seriously, not even her. EVEN IF EVERYTHING YOU SAY ABOUT HER IS TRUE! THERE IS A GIRL WHO IS BETTER-LOOKING, SMARTER, FUNNIER, AND NICER. YOU JUST HAVEN’T MET HER YET. That glorious sun goddess is still just another glorious sun goddess. We live on a planet with 6,200,000,000 human beings. And women are in the majority. Seriously, she’s not that special.

And that’s why you have to kill Beatrice. That muse is only holding you back because what she’s really doing, what she’s really, really accomplishing, is holding you back from being your true, glorious self. Find her seventy thousand superior counterparts. Then return.

With understanding.

Experience and willingness to learn breed perspective. When you don’t accrue a lot of experience with girls, it’s easy to get sidetracked by illusions, to forget how mortal these divine creatures are. Then, you can find a girl you want, a girl you like, a girl you can love. And you will not love her out of habit. You will not love her because she’s just the prettiest girl you’ve ever been with. You will love her because she’s the best girl to receive your love. And that statement means something because you have allowed other, female things to happen to you!

Get more from Future on The Attraction Forums (especially the classic posts) and:

* Future on Storytelling
* Future on Dates
* Future on Identity
* Future on Other Guys, Obstacles, and AMOGs
* Future on Value

If your love life is a stats chart, you're missing the point

I meet clients, women and journalists all the time who ask me about my “success rate” with women: how many women have I slept with, how many phone numbers can I get in a daytime dating session, can I seduce any woman I want, and am I in a serious and committed long-term relationship?

I have some fairly comprehensive answers to these questions (and look at my post on Quality Vs. Quality in Love, Sex & Relationships if you’re interested in finding out more), but really, it’s about digging at the root of what the person wants to know.  Are they looking for verification that you’re as good with women as people say you are; are they looking for a comparison point for themself; or are they looking for information to judge your character as a man?

For example, I have been with a lot of women (and I believe it to be crass to get more specific than that), but do I believe that to be an accurate reflection of what it means to be good with women? Hell no. It’s a factor, sure, but just one among many.

In the same way a business is not just numbers and profit, but about margins, revenue, employee turnover, company values, strategic goals and so on, your love life is about so much more than just the stats on the women you’ve bedded.

Don’t get me wrong – certain statistical benchmarks are helpful if you’re setting milestones for specific short-term goals. But really what you are looking for is what some call the Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals (BHAGs), or what “Switch” authors Chip and Dan Heath refer to as Black & White Goals: simple, yet mind-blowingly bigger picture goals.

For example, the one I realised that I have been chasing for years, and now, five years on from when I first started exploring dating science, I feel I have achieved is:

Never Worry about my Love Life Again.

In the same way that a wealthy man understands that money will come and go, that his business will have ups and downs, but that he will always be ok, no matter what, I feel that with the experiences, tools and strategies I’ve learned, I will always be ok in love and sex.

That to me, is a far more worthy achievement than any numerical value of how good with women I am. It’s similar to how Gary Vaynerchuk, one of my favourite business gurus, says that business is not just about making money: it’s about doing what you love, for a living, and going for the Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals, but making sure to enjoy the process. Don’t spend all your time comparing your stats with people around you; ask yourself instead, “Am I happy?”

Don’t get me wrong; I have had some crazy and debaucherous adventures and I don’t regret a single one of them. But there’s been a lot of hard work, frustration, and heartache (both that which I caused, and that which I received) along the way. You don’t get the glory without spilling some guts.

But when I get to the end of my life, I won’t say to myself, “I wish I had been with more women” or “I wish I had impressed other people more.” No. I’ll cherish the memories:

• You, who came to London and left half a year later amid tears and planes and diamond jewellery.
• You, who I called from a stripclub in Las Vegas to apologise for being a douchebag; you, who tolerated me for not being the man you needed but loved me for the man I was.
• You, who I kept at arm’s length, but who moved worlds with me when our bodies collided.
• You, who made one of the greatest international adventures I’ve ever had possible.

So gentlemen, my recommendation? Set your targets, sure. Follow your gurus and verify their credibility and what they’ve achieved. But above all, keep in mind the bigger picture, and live for the memories. They are what will stay with you for life.

Jeremy Soul

This is what my workload currently looks like

I’m changing the way I blog and keep people updated via my Jeremy Soul facebook account (and at some point in the next few months, I’ll probably get into twitter properly too). I’ve become a big fan of Gary Vaynerchuk, who advocates being really passionate about your business and what you do, and expressing that fully and openly to people.

He makes a lot of good points (and I even pitched to him to be a business mentor for Project Rockstar – no dice this year, but as always, who knows what the future brings). One thing I’ve think I’ve gotten partially from him, but also kinda realised myself, is that good dating and good relationships – whether they’re with family, friends, lovers, partners, colleagues or even all you guys as readers, fans, followers and clients – require honest communication.

Writing this blog, articles, doing podcasts, interviews etc. is partly about marketing. I am trying to spread the message about what I can do and hopefully change the course of my life as well as anyone else who’s willing to listen and “join the conversation”.

But that doesn’t mean all that marketing can’t be honest and show a truly real side of me. I feel the same about seduction and dating as I do about marketing: honesty and integrity pays out in the long run. I’ve met many, many successful people in all fields of life, from dating experts to businessmen to celebrities, in the last few years. From my experiences, I’ve learned two things:

1. Having integrity can benefit your life hugely in the long run.

2. Running my business or my dating life without integrity, even if it were to bring me “success”, would not make me happy. I would hate the process.

Screwing other people over, lying, cheating and manipulating others to get a few short-term results? No, thank you.

I feel very strongly about this issue. Years ago, I felt so strongly about this that I went against the grain of almost the entire seduction industry (and in particular, a few popular seduction gurus of that time) by asserting that being direct and honest when you went to talk to women could work; in fact, that it could be better, and even more powerful than the artificial lines, pretexts and ploys that many men have historically used to meet women.

People challenged me and no one believed in the power of being direct or in the power of daytime dating. Now, I get recognised in clubs and streets all over the world by Jeremy Soul followers who cottoned on to what I was doing (and I am still a sucker for attention and praise – so do feel free to introduce yourself if you see me somewhere!) and the current in the seduction industry (and particularly within Love Systems) has shifted towards being more direct and honest. Now people believe what I believed and acted on five years ago: being a gentleman is one of the most powerful ways to enrich your love life.

If it’s true with love and sex, I believe it to be true with business as well. If you treat people well, you build potentially synergistic relationships that will continue to offer value to you in the future. If you treat people badly (or if you “act like a d*ck”), then you may get a short-term gain, but you screw yourself over in the long run.

I don’t want to get all sciencey on everyone (maybe not all of my readers are as into biology and psychology as much as I am), but this is basically the evolutionary basis for altruism (which is a fancy word for “being nice to other people”). Anyone wanting to find out more about this, check out the research done on the Prisoner’s Dilemma (wikipedia it!).

Without going into tons of detail right now (and perhaps I will in a later blog post – when it’s not 1am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning), this year so far for me has been a huge series of sucker punches and curveballs. A lot of stuff I didn’t expect to happen, happened, not least of which being my father’s health taking a sudden turn for the worse.

When that happened, and I finally found time to process the learnings over my last 3-month world tour (Europe, USA and Australia) running Daytime Dating workshops, the power of relationships and the importance of family dawned on me. The relationships we have with our parents are literally the first relationships we ever develop. Beyond a genetic link and genetic self-interest, there’s also a shared history we have with them that is very difficult for any other relationship to match.

Which brings me to another point: at the end of the day, isn’t it all about creating that history? About building memories and experiences? And ultimately, don’t those memories and experiences almost always involve other people in some way?

Look, don’t get me wrong. Money is important, status is cool, adrenaline is fun, but ultimately, whatever you’re doing, you need other people to help you do it, and whatever you end up enjoying, you want to enjoy it with other people.

I found some great notes on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People recently that said this:

We all start out life as babies completely dependent on our parents or other person to take care of us. This is a state of weakness and powerlessness.

As we grow up we work to become independent, moving out of our parent’s home, earning money for ourselves, etc. A person at this level is able to do things for himself and does not need anyone else to survive.

The greatest human achievements come from people working at the third level, interdependence. This is when people work together to achieve a common goal, and is the level of maturity of many people in a mature society or organization. This is how mankind has achieved things together that no single person could do alone. Interdependence is the state of human development of greatest maturity and power.

That had a huge impact on me. When I read that, it tallied with everything I’d learned myself in the last world tour and everything I was discovering with my family.

And this all brings me to my final point: life is too short and good relationships are too scarce to make hiding your feelings a worthwhile endeavour. Whether it’s that girl in the coffee shop (and if you’re reading this, you know who you are), that wonderful girlfriend you have back home who hasn’t seen you in months (you know how much I miss you), your best friends, your family, your son, your brother or whatever, let them know you appreciate them.

Whether it’s with a compliment that takes them by surprise, an act of kindness, support when they need it, or even just a mind-blowingly good orgasm (certainly one of my preferred ways to thank the wonderful women in my life), let them know. One day your life may take an unexpected turn and you will be glad you did.

Oh, and one last thing: realise that with the good will come the bad. Bad relationships will always happen – bad friends, bad lovers, bad colleagues and even bad family members. There will be naysayers, criticisers and those who move against you.

In the last few years, I’ve been called all kinds of things and judged by all kinds of people for who I am and what I do (one day I might post the hilarious religious hate mail I got). If you’re going to make ripples in the world, expect to irk a few people. If you do that, you know you’re making an impact and doing something right.

Learn from all of it, protect your downside, and filter all your relationships with all that you learn so you get more of the good and less of the bad.

Regards,

Jeremy Soul

I first met those guys a couple of years ago when they started coaching for Love Systems. Since then, we’ll all travelled the world, had crazy dating adventures with women, and partied and got into all sorts of debauchery together.

Two years on, we have a shared history and brotherhood that’s hard to find. I’m a big believer in the power of history with people you meet in life. Whether that’s with women you’ve loved and been loved by, friends you’re journeyed through life with, or family you grew up with.

Those relationships need to be honoured and treasured. It’s those relationships that get you through life and all of its travails.

Glad to you know you boys, and look forward to more adventures and growth in the coming year.

Good times on the reg

Keith Ferazzi’s book Never Eat Alone is still on my reading list, but I just came across this link with notes for the book.

There’s some serious gold in there if you can work out how it all applies to Dating and meeting women. Take a look and see what you think…

http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/Never-Eat-Alone

Do you want lots of silver or a little bit of gold?

I write this as I immerse myself in the feeling of having met a girl of astounding quality. We just spent one incredible week together in London. I met her on the last New York Day Game Workshop I ran, and after having spent one beautiful evening together, we decided she should fly to London so we could get to know each other better.

It’s times like this that I pinch myself and remember my life was not always like this before Love Systems. When I was in school, I couldn’t even talk to girls without breaking a sweat or stuttering my words, let alone get a girl to fly across the Atlantic Ocean for me after having spent only one night with her. Clients always say to me, “Wow man, you seem to do this stuff so naturally, have you always been like this?” I have to remind them that no, I haven’t always been this way and that all the attractive qualities I embody I have learned.

It’s important to realise that as you grow and learn more about women, your goals will change. Maybe at the start, you just want to learn how to approach women in bars or on the street and go on dates or take them home, but later on once you’ve achieved those goals, you’ll want other things. Maybe you’ll want to meet a specific type of woman, get into a relationship or manage multiple relationships (if you’re interested in finding out more about the latter, check out Savoy’s Relationship Management DVDS – they are the best and most comprehensive resource I’ve personally come across on the topic).

Two major factors that will feature in your goals are quality and quantity. People may talk about having one or the other but the truth is that you need both at different times of your life.

Quantity and “Being a Player”

You need to meet, talk to and date a lot of women before you know what kind of woman you want. If you don’t survey the market, how can you know what’s out there, what you like and don’t like?

It’s funny that there’s a social stigma attached to being a man who has dated or slept with a lot of women. Sometimes when you are talking to a woman, she senses this and even though she is attracted to you, she tells herself, “Watch out: he is a player.”

I don’t associate myself with that label. “Player” implies that some manipulation is taking place. Anyone who has taken one of my workshops or read my blog knows that I believe in full honesty and expressing genuine intent when you meet a woman. The women I meet now know what I do for a living, what my sexual and romantic history is like, and what I am looking for.

But the other side of being a “player” implies experience with a lot of women, and that is something that I’m happy to be associated with. Not for bragging rights or so I can tell stories to impress my guy friends, but because the amount of women I’ve met and dated has enabled me to become a stronger man and to know what I want from a woman and a relationship.

Women often say they “want a man who knows what he wants.” But to get to this point, you DO need to date around and meet a bunch of women first. So don’t be afraid to do that: just learn from everything you do and always be trying to take your life to the next level. It’s true that women WILL test you for your reaction when they ask if you’re a player. If you don’t know how to deal with that, check out the interview I did with Kisser on Handling Tests – it was such an awesome interview as we each have different ways of dealing with that tests that women throw at us.

Quality and “That Special Girl”

When you start getting good at dating science, it’s all about numbers. Numbers of approaches you do, numbers of dates you have etc. But when you start being able to meet and date women easily, what next?

The next stage is quality. That could mean quality of sex, quality of conversation, or quality of a relationship. Whatever your metric, you start to look for someone that scores highly in a particular department rather than an abundance of people who just meet the grade.

I’ve had promiscuous stages of my life where I dated and hung out with several lovers each week. I don’t regret any of it – I had a blast and it enabled me to become the man I am today. But after going from being an introverted geek (full bio here) to someone who was good with women, I started to figure out what I really wanted from women in my life.

I recently hung with a Sydney bootcamp alumni (he goes by Tawl on The Lounge, our exclusive forum for bootcamp and workshop clients) who asked me what kind of women I liked. He was shocked at the response: instead of just saying, “a Brazilian” or “a dancer,” I started telling him about my ideal kind of woman and didn’t stop talking for about twenty minutes.

I know so specifically what I want in a woman for her to become a part of my life that I screen for it in every aspect of our interaction – from how she looks, speaks and moves to what she’s achieved in her life and what she wants to achieve in the rest of it. Part of this relates to the Qualification process I teach on the Day Game program, which is based on real standards and designed to get you on dates with women you genuinely want to spend time with instead of women that don’t stimulate or inspire you.

But the flip-side of quality is that you’ll always be improving yourself and increasing your standards. Sometimes a woman or a relationship will grow to fulfil your new needs, but sometimes your needs will grow beyond your current relationship (which is when the relationship breaks down). At this point, you need to know that should you need to survey the market again and go through some quantity in order to take things to the next level, you are capable of that.

Soul