Hey people, passing over to my boy Ryan Francis for this one. He’s one of my favourite guys in LA, actively training to become an instructor with Love Systems (and I think he’ll make a great one), and super cool guy (who also happens to be one of the best muay thai fighters I know). He’s talking about beliefs and finding evidence that you are attractive to women. – Jeremy
One of the key beliefs that all the guys who are good with women possess is the deeply held belief that they are attractive to women. This is what we call confidence. This isn’t that “Fake it till you make it” confidence, this is confidence which is built by experience and is rooted in truth.
When asking Naturals (guys who are naturally good with women) on how to improve your success with women I’m sure you’ve all heard a variation of the answer, “It’s easy man, you just to be more confident”.
Every time I heard that I would boil inside and suddenly have the urge to punch someone in the face. In my head I would ask myself “What does that even mean? How the fuck do I be more confident?” When you think about it that answer it is actually very correct, what Naturals usually fail to mention is the experiences that molded that confidence.
Those experiences like losing their virginity at a 15; the blowjob they got at a party from Brenda in the 7th grade; the sexual encounter they had with Suzy on Prom night; the 30+ women they slept with in college, and that hot little intern they banged in the supply closet at work last Thursday.
If you had those experiences, do you think you would be confident in your abilities with women?
Experience makes the man. The only difference between you and someone who is good with women is they have more positive reference experience than you telling them that they are attractive to women.
The Power of Beliefs
When I first made the commitment to improve my dating life I was a mess. I had very little experience with women (I had only been with 1 girl) and I had not been laid in 3 years. At this time I was also very overweight and I was not satisfied with my life. I have very few photos from age 20-25 because I always avoided confrontations with cameras, because every time I saw myself it reminded me of a fat loser who sucked with girls.
You can see how having this type of belief really hindered my success with women. The way you interact with women will be filtered through your beliefs. If you don’t think you are attractive, women aren’t going to either. Your lack of confidence in your self will be felt by any girls you interact with, and will destroy any chances you may have at a romantic relationship.
Our beliefs are the filter that we see the world through and which activates our behavior. Most of our beliefs have been adopted during our childhood and have been reinforced by our experiences year after year. Whatever you believe, your mind will find proof of it in your everyday life and make that belief stronger.
You can’t just get rid of a belief; you have to replace it with a new one. So if you believe you are not attractive to women, you have to replace it with the belief that you are attractive to women. To cultivate this new belief you have to prove to yourself through your experiences that this new belief is true.
Actions Steps to Cultivate Your New Belief
Here are some action steps you can take right away to start building your confidence. Now I’m not going to lie and tell you this process is going to be easy. Getting good at game is hard. Rome wasn’t built in a day and neither will your confidence. I promise you the rewards are worth it though.
The first thing to do is to ask yourself “Do I believe I am attractive to women?” Dig really deep and answer that question. Be honest. Nobody wants to admit they think they are unattractive. I know I didn’t, but when I came to terms with it I was able to start figuring out a solution.
Next step is every time you go out, make a conscious effort to find proof you are attractive to women. When you get home write down the proof you’ve collected in your journal.
Important Note: If you aren’t journaling you are missing out on a great way to pin point your sticking points so you can correct them and to also reflect on your progress. Self observation is key to self growth.
An Even More Important Note: If you aren’t going out regularly and interacting with women you are shooting yourself in the foot. You’re robbing yourself of the necessary experience you need to build your confidence. As you go out and have positive experiences you will replace a lot of your bad beliefs with truths that you’ll discover. SO GO OUT, BITCHES!
If a girl tells you are cute or she thinks your cool, make sure you log that in your journal. If you are talking to a girl and she looks like she’s attracted to you. Log it in your journal. If you kiss a girl. Log it in your journal. If you kiss a girl, she doesn’t reciprocate, but stays and talks to you still. Log it in your journal. You get the picture. Any positive reference experiences that can reinforce the belief that you are attractive to women should be recorded.
Here’s a few of my experiences that I recorded in my journal when I first got into Pick Up:
Girl stayed and talked to me for almost an hour.
Girl stayed to talk with me even when her friends wanted to leave.
Girl gave me her phone number.
Girl held my hand in the club.
Girl told me “You’re one of the coolest guys I’ve met.”
Girl bought me a shot of Patron.
Here are some of my experiences from this year that I recorded in my journal:
Lesbian at the club told me “You’re very handsome. If I wasn’t a lesbian I’d be all up on you. My friends are single though”.
Had sex with a girl 30 minutes after meeting her.
Girl I sleep with tells me she’s not normally into Asian guys, but was really attracted to me because of the way I talked to her.
Girl takes me aside and makes out with me after I have sex with her cousin.
Approached on a girl who was with her cousin and sister at Yogurt Land and told her she was absolutely gorgeous. Her cousin and sister tell me I have balls. As I’m taking to her, they tell my wing that I have good game.
You probably see the difference between my successful experiences earlier in my development and my recent experiences. As you acquire positive reference experiences it will increase your confidence, which will then cause the amount and quality of your positive experiences to increase. These experiences will act as a positive feedback loop reinforcing the belief that you are attractive to women. Picture a snowball going down a hill. At first it’s a tiny snowball, but by the time it’s reached the bottom of the hill it’s a huge boulder that will crush anything in its path.
I’d like to mention I’m not advocating only putting positive things in your journal. Write out your field reports and thoughts like you normally do and add a section at the end for this.
Additionally you can also take the same process to attack other limiting beliefs you may have. Here are a few that I’ve conquered using the same process:
Belief that “Girls don’t like sex” to “Girls love sex”
Belief that “White girls are not attracted to me because I’m Asian” to “White girls are attracted to me because I’m confident” (Also did this for Black girls and Latina girls.)
Belief that “Hot women do not normally go home with a guy the same night” to “Hot women will go home with a guy she is attracted to if he escalates and logistics permit”
In closing most guys lack confidence with women simply because they lack the experiences that allow them to be confident. Luckily for all of us, we have countless opportunities to gather these experiences to build our confidence. So be proactive, go out, talk to women, and create those experiences.