If Harold & Kumar can do it, anyone can

I wrote the title for this article because I’ve noticed there are always lots of Asian guys asking me and other Dating Coaches this question. It’s funny, no matter how many Asian Dating Coaches we have at Love Systems, the South Asian (me – I’m Sri Lankan) or East Asian guys (Mr M, Bonsai) always, always get this question.

In fact, let me share with you another related anecdote that recently irked me. We have a writer who penned a book about last year’s Project Rockstar (2009). One of the publishers he spoke to about it had a “council” of women he regularly bounced all his business endeavours off. When one of these women saw the script about a 5’5″ Asian Dating Expert (Mr M) who had been with playmates, models and beautiful women the world over, she simply would not believe it was possible and said it must be fictitious.

Honey, put Mr M in a bar with you and I give you five minutes before you’re wondering why you’re so attracted to this guy who is probably a foot shorter than you (though if he was wearing his famous height increasing shoes, that difference would be less).

Anyway, this article isn’t about all the journalist and other sceptics out there (I’ll leave that rant for another time). It’s about YOU who doubts yourself and YOU who worries that superficial things such as the colour of your skin will limit your success in life.

Let me tell you what that is: a BULLSHIT mentality. A bullshit excuse. Talking with Micha last night on the train into London (we were on our way to do some Project Rockstar training), he told me how he could tell when people were heavy drug users (Micha has a really interesting background) because they would always be making excuses about their life:

Well, this happened to me and I couldn’t help it.

I was born this way and there’s nothing I can do to change it.

I didn’t choose my proclivities/upbringing/height/colour of my skin.

All those above things may be true: there IS a lot about ourselves that we cannot change. But equally, there is a lot that we can.

In Chip and Dan Heath’s book, Switch, they talk about having a growth mindset vs. a fixed mindset. People with a growth mindset are much healthier, happier people because they realise that they can grow to overcome obstacles or perceived disadvantages. People with a fixed mindset believe that they are the way they are and are limited to only a certain amount of happiness by factors beyond their control. Of course, they tend to be less happy that those with growth mindsets.

Which kind of person do you want to be?

Now, let me tell you, when I was younger, I did think my Sri Lankan heritage was a disadvantage with women. I wasn’t too interested in dating Sri Lankan girls; I always liked fair and pale skin. Yet it seemed that the only time a woman was interested in me, it was a South Asian girl.

But then I started working on myself: growing my confidence, putting myself out there, learning how to crack a few jokes and learning how to be charming. And the most important part? I actually started TRYING to meet and date a lot of non-Asian women.

Where am I at now? The lovers I’ve taken in the past few years have been East Asian (yes, I had yellow fever for a while), caucasian, Eastern European, Scandinavian (I moved to Sweden for a while, remember), Jewish, American, Australian and African. I probably haven’t dated a South Asian woman since about five years ago – not that I am against the idea (my brown sisters reading this, I may well approach you next time you are out shopping and I see that curve in the line of your body that I like, smell your sweet scent as it drifts past me, or see the way you command attention as you walk through a crowded café), I just haven’t met one in a while that I liked.

It might be Sun Tzu, or some other philosopher (I’m too hungover to verify the research right now), who talked about turning perceived disadvantages into advantages. Great people are able to do this. Mark V, one of our upcoming instructors who only has one arm, my Sri Lankan brother T, who moves on wheels rather than legs, and anyone who considers themself short/ugly/somehow genetically deficient understand what we all have to do:

Use what nature gave us, and make the most of everything we can.

I now see that my average looks, ethnicity and short stature as advantages. Why? Because that tall Swedish model in the corner of the room doesn’t see me coming (I don’t mean that in the literal sense, for all you comedians out there). She expects confidence and charm from the good-looking, investment banker in his expensive suit (alas for him, he is all too often more lacking than he thinks), but when I approach her and she hears the words come out of my mouth and looks into my eyes, something clicks in her: Who is this guy?

So to you who wrote me the following… verify your sources.

How much of a factor do you think race and ethnicity plays in pickup? Have or do you still face issues that concern your own race when you’re in-field? Do you find it easier to ‘pick-up’ girls of your own ethnic background than for example, caucasian or hispanic women?

I’m asking this now because I recently came across a source, someone who apparently attended a bootcamp of yours back in 2008, who claims you said that you ‘open’ plenty of women, but mainly manage to date girls of your own ethnic background.

I don’t mean this to sound accusatory. I’ll understand if you choose not to reply.

And if you’re looking for more specifics on the race issue, I’ll refer you to Bonsai’s great post about meeting women from different ethnic backgrounds.

Regards,

Jeremy Soul

If your love life is a stats chart, you're missing the point

I meet clients, women and journalists all the time who ask me about my “success rate” with women: how many women have I slept with, how many phone numbers can I get in a daytime dating session, can I seduce any woman I want, and am I in a serious and committed long-term relationship?

I have some fairly comprehensive answers to these questions (and look at my post on Quality Vs. Quality in Love, Sex & Relationships if you’re interested in finding out more), but really, it’s about digging at the root of what the person wants to know.  Are they looking for verification that you’re as good with women as people say you are; are they looking for a comparison point for themself; or are they looking for information to judge your character as a man?

For example, I have been with a lot of women (and I believe it to be crass to get more specific than that), but do I believe that to be an accurate reflection of what it means to be good with women? Hell no. It’s a factor, sure, but just one among many.

In the same way a business is not just numbers and profit, but about margins, revenue, employee turnover, company values, strategic goals and so on, your love life is about so much more than just the stats on the women you’ve bedded.

Don’t get me wrong – certain statistical benchmarks are helpful if you’re setting milestones for specific short-term goals. But really what you are looking for is what some call the Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals (BHAGs), or what “Switch” authors Chip and Dan Heath refer to as Black & White Goals: simple, yet mind-blowingly bigger picture goals.

For example, the one I realised that I have been chasing for years, and now, five years on from when I first started exploring dating science, I feel I have achieved is:

Never Worry about my Love Life Again.

In the same way that a wealthy man understands that money will come and go, that his business will have ups and downs, but that he will always be ok, no matter what, I feel that with the experiences, tools and strategies I’ve learned, I will always be ok in love and sex.

That to me, is a far more worthy achievement than any numerical value of how good with women I am. It’s similar to how Gary Vaynerchuk, one of my favourite business gurus, says that business is not just about making money: it’s about doing what you love, for a living, and going for the Big, Hairy, Audacious Goals, but making sure to enjoy the process. Don’t spend all your time comparing your stats with people around you; ask yourself instead, “Am I happy?”

Don’t get me wrong; I have had some crazy and debaucherous adventures and I don’t regret a single one of them. But there’s been a lot of hard work, frustration, and heartache (both that which I caused, and that which I received) along the way. You don’t get the glory without spilling some guts.

But when I get to the end of my life, I won’t say to myself, “I wish I had been with more women” or “I wish I had impressed other people more.” No. I’ll cherish the memories:

• You, who came to London and left half a year later amid tears and planes and diamond jewellery.
• You, who I called from a stripclub in Las Vegas to apologise for being a douchebag; you, who tolerated me for not being the man you needed but loved me for the man I was.
• You, who I kept at arm’s length, but who moved worlds with me when our bodies collided.
• You, who made one of the greatest international adventures I’ve ever had possible.

So gentlemen, my recommendation? Set your targets, sure. Follow your gurus and verify their credibility and what they’ve achieved. But above all, keep in mind the bigger picture, and live for the memories. They are what will stay with you for life.

Jeremy Soul