Try getting Eye Contact before you Approach

When I began my journey to become better around beautiful women, I didn’t know what to say when approaching women I didn’t know (i.e. doing a “cold approach”). Now that I’ve been at it for over five years, I’m at the point where I’m quite comfortable around beautiful women, and rarely have trouble thinking about what to say.

This “what to say” issue is less of a problem when it comes to warm approaches. A warm approach is when you meet a woman that is part of your social circle. A friend might introduce you, or she may even introduce herself to you. One advantage of warm approaches is that you don’t have to convince her that you’ re normal, safe, and not creepy. Being in the same social circle provides an immediate basic comfort level.

There is also less attraction work for you to do, since good status within the social circle already gives you social value. This is opposed to cold approach, where you have to build your social value from scratch.

For years, dating experts have talked about these two kinds of approaches – cold and warm. I think this needs to be expanded. Lately, I have been working on a way to warm up cold approaches to improve my success rate. I’ve dubbed this the “lukewarm approach”.

If a beautiful woman and I are static, or walking past each other slowly, I will engage in eye contact and make it clear that her beauty moves me. I will maintain eye contact a little longer than is typically polite for a stranger to look at another person.

Then I will judge her reaction to see if she is open to an approach. If she looks back and smiles, stares straight back at me, or looks down a little bit and smiles, then I will approach. Basically, I am looking for any sign that she is pleased with me checking her out. A bad sign is when she looks up and away, almost rolling her eyes.

This way I can screen better – if I don’t get a good reaction I’m less likely to approach. Only if she is absolutely gorgeous, or if I’m looking for a challenge will I approach.  When I get a good reaction though, I always approach

Not everyone is single. This way I can filter out women that want to be approached. I waste less time speaking to women with boyfriends.

This technique can be used in all situations, but I particularly like to do this in cafés, since it’s a quiet setting. Next time you’re in a café and spot a beautiful woman, give it a try!

Happy lovin’

Jeremy Soul

I read a book recently called Switch, by Chip and Dan Heath, about “how to change when change is hard.”

The book covers a lot of different areas of life, but it centres around how and why people can change things in their life, whether it’s their dating, love and sex life, their business or work, or other aspects of their lifestyle.

I took a lot of great things from it and I highly recommend it for anyone interested in growing any facet of their life.

One of my biggest takeaways from it, however, was something they wrote about called a “U-shaped mood curve.” I liked this concept so much that I actually started teaching it on my Daytime Dating workshops.

The premise of it is that any endeavour in life will typically take you on a mood curve that is U-shaped. At the start of that endeavour, you will feed good; that period is OPTIMISM.

In the middle, as you get deeper into whatever it is you’re doing, you realise that it’s a lot harder than you thought it would be. There are all these unforeseen things that come up and factors you didn’t factor in for. That period is tough. You start to feel shitty because you’re not making all the rapid progress your optimism stage led you to expect. You question yourself. You wonder if you made the right decision to start this. You wonder if you can make it through.

But then you rally. You gather up every ounce of your resources; you pull your shit together and you tell your inner doubts (or what my colleague and friend Daniel Vercetti calls his “inner demons”) to go back to the hole they came from. You get through the dip and you make it through. This period, the bottom of the dip, is called INSIGHT.

Once you get through the dip and get to the end of your endeavour, your goals reached for that project, you reach the final period: CONFIDENCE. At this stage, you know you made it through, and you know you can do it again if needs be. That’s what ultimate confidence is about.

Incidentally, that’s one of the reasons why I can’t stand it when people advise men to “just be confident” with women: it takes a lot of experience to gain that confidence in the first place (and if you don’t even have guidance or the right advice on how to start a conversation, how can you begin to even think about being confident in the rest of your interaction with her).

But back to the topic at hand. That dip, the insight period, is critical because it is where all your real learning takes place. I often say to my clients on workshops, “Relish your failures and the situations with women where you mess things up or things go wrong; it’s in these that you get all your learnings. It’s these situations that enable you to have great successes later on.”

So, whether you’re trying to become the world’s most awesome daytime dater (and hey, I hear that Jeremy Soul guy is pretty damn good, so you’ve got quite a challenge on your hands!), building your career or business, or trying to get through some other tough time in your life, remember that it’s in the middle of it, in the dip, where your mettle is tested.

Be prepared to fight your demons and hopefully, emerge victorious.

Jeremy Soul

This is what my workload currently looks like

I’m changing the way I blog and keep people updated via my Jeremy Soul facebook account (and at some point in the next few months, I’ll probably get into twitter properly too). I’ve become a big fan of Gary Vaynerchuk, who advocates being really passionate about your business and what you do, and expressing that fully and openly to people.

He makes a lot of good points (and I even pitched to him to be a business mentor for Project Rockstar – no dice this year, but as always, who knows what the future brings). One thing I’ve think I’ve gotten partially from him, but also kinda realised myself, is that good dating and good relationships – whether they’re with family, friends, lovers, partners, colleagues or even all you guys as readers, fans, followers and clients – require honest communication.

Writing this blog, articles, doing podcasts, interviews etc. is partly about marketing. I am trying to spread the message about what I can do and hopefully change the course of my life as well as anyone else who’s willing to listen and “join the conversation”.

But that doesn’t mean all that marketing can’t be honest and show a truly real side of me. I feel the same about seduction and dating as I do about marketing: honesty and integrity pays out in the long run. I’ve met many, many successful people in all fields of life, from dating experts to businessmen to celebrities, in the last few years. From my experiences, I’ve learned two things:

1. Having integrity can benefit your life hugely in the long run.

2. Running my business or my dating life without integrity, even if it were to bring me “success”, would not make me happy. I would hate the process.

Screwing other people over, lying, cheating and manipulating others to get a few short-term results? No, thank you.

I feel very strongly about this issue. Years ago, I felt so strongly about this that I went against the grain of almost the entire seduction industry (and in particular, a few popular seduction gurus of that time) by asserting that being direct and honest when you went to talk to women could work; in fact, that it could be better, and even more powerful than the artificial lines, pretexts and ploys that many men have historically used to meet women.

People challenged me and no one believed in the power of being direct or in the power of daytime dating. Now, I get recognised in clubs and streets all over the world by Jeremy Soul followers who cottoned on to what I was doing (and I am still a sucker for attention and praise – so do feel free to introduce yourself if you see me somewhere!) and the current in the seduction industry (and particularly within Love Systems) has shifted towards being more direct and honest. Now people believe what I believed and acted on five years ago: being a gentleman is one of the most powerful ways to enrich your love life.

If it’s true with love and sex, I believe it to be true with business as well. If you treat people well, you build potentially synergistic relationships that will continue to offer value to you in the future. If you treat people badly (or if you “act like a d*ck”), then you may get a short-term gain, but you screw yourself over in the long run.

I don’t want to get all sciencey on everyone (maybe not all of my readers are as into biology and psychology as much as I am), but this is basically the evolutionary basis for altruism (which is a fancy word for “being nice to other people”). Anyone wanting to find out more about this, check out the research done on the Prisoner’s Dilemma (wikipedia it!).

Without going into tons of detail right now (and perhaps I will in a later blog post – when it’s not 1am on a Saturday night/Sunday morning), this year so far for me has been a huge series of sucker punches and curveballs. A lot of stuff I didn’t expect to happen, happened, not least of which being my father’s health taking a sudden turn for the worse.

When that happened, and I finally found time to process the learnings over my last 3-month world tour (Europe, USA and Australia) running Daytime Dating workshops, the power of relationships and the importance of family dawned on me. The relationships we have with our parents are literally the first relationships we ever develop. Beyond a genetic link and genetic self-interest, there’s also a shared history we have with them that is very difficult for any other relationship to match.

Which brings me to another point: at the end of the day, isn’t it all about creating that history? About building memories and experiences? And ultimately, don’t those memories and experiences almost always involve other people in some way?

Look, don’t get me wrong. Money is important, status is cool, adrenaline is fun, but ultimately, whatever you’re doing, you need other people to help you do it, and whatever you end up enjoying, you want to enjoy it with other people.

I found some great notes on the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People recently that said this:

We all start out life as babies completely dependent on our parents or other person to take care of us. This is a state of weakness and powerlessness.

As we grow up we work to become independent, moving out of our parent’s home, earning money for ourselves, etc. A person at this level is able to do things for himself and does not need anyone else to survive.

The greatest human achievements come from people working at the third level, interdependence. This is when people work together to achieve a common goal, and is the level of maturity of many people in a mature society or organization. This is how mankind has achieved things together that no single person could do alone. Interdependence is the state of human development of greatest maturity and power.

That had a huge impact on me. When I read that, it tallied with everything I’d learned myself in the last world tour and everything I was discovering with my family.

And this all brings me to my final point: life is too short and good relationships are too scarce to make hiding your feelings a worthwhile endeavour. Whether it’s that girl in the coffee shop (and if you’re reading this, you know who you are), that wonderful girlfriend you have back home who hasn’t seen you in months (you know how much I miss you), your best friends, your family, your son, your brother or whatever, let them know you appreciate them.

Whether it’s with a compliment that takes them by surprise, an act of kindness, support when they need it, or even just a mind-blowingly good orgasm (certainly one of my preferred ways to thank the wonderful women in my life), let them know. One day your life may take an unexpected turn and you will be glad you did.

Oh, and one last thing: realise that with the good will come the bad. Bad relationships will always happen – bad friends, bad lovers, bad colleagues and even bad family members. There will be naysayers, criticisers and those who move against you.

In the last few years, I’ve been called all kinds of things and judged by all kinds of people for who I am and what I do (one day I might post the hilarious religious hate mail I got). If you’re going to make ripples in the world, expect to irk a few people. If you do that, you know you’re making an impact and doing something right.

Learn from all of it, protect your downside, and filter all your relationships with all that you learn so you get more of the good and less of the bad.

Regards,

Jeremy Soul

Get a Navy Seal team for Meeting Women

My good buddy LA2NY, one of the Love Systems guys in LA who’s likely to become an official Love Systems coach this year, wrote this excellent article that explains more about how to get into a good state (or flow) when you’re out to meet women.

The Dichotomy of State Control

I had some comments to make, so I’ve copied those below (normally these Lounge articles are only for our Bootcamp and Day Game Workshop alumni, but I’ve made an exception here because I really wanted to share this information with everyone).

—

Great post man. You covered a lot of good points, but there’s two that I’ll add.

1. Tweak your environment

In their book Switch, Chip and Dan Heath talk about tweaking one’s environment (what they call “Shaping the Path” to enable you to act logically and emotionally the way you want to as easily as possible.

Environmental factors contribute hugely to our internal chemistry (brain and body) and also in part determine the reactions we get from other people (which further feed back into our internal chemistry).

One huge reason I moved to Stockholm is that there simply weren’t enough beautiful women in London. It meant that whenever I met a 10, it was “unusual” for me because I didn’t see them often; as such, it altered my internal chemistry in a way I didn’t like. Moving to Stockholm corrected that problem, because I was constantly surrounded by beautiful women (and 10s were a lot more common) so it stopped affected my internal chemistry as much.

(FYI cool article on beautiful women affecting body chemistry here: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/news…cientists.html)

It’s also another reason I do so much Daytime Dating. My body chemistry and state tend to be a lot more balanced in a way I can leverage for seduction in quieter environments.

The point I’m making is that tweaking your environment is a huge way to achieve better state control.

2. Build a Navy Seal team

Over the years, as I’ve gone out more and more, I’ve discovered that going out is not all about women for me. It’s about having a good time, generally. Although yes, women factor into that, another factor is the friends and company I keep around me.

If you’ve ever seen a group of Love Systems Coaches who know each other really well and have a history together hanging out at a party or a bar together, you know what I’m talking about.

There’s a synergy there that achieves greater cumulative effect than if we were each to go out by ourselves and try to pull. Part of that is specific techniques and strategies that work better as a Navy Seal team than a lone wolf, but part of that is also the way it affects our internal body chemistry (our state).

I even get this in Daytime Dating. The last few weeks when I was in Sydney, just working from Starbucks on my laptop with Whim and Calabrese would incite me to do daytime approaches on women walking in and out of the café; by myself, I would still sometimes do it, but only if the woman was truly smoking hot and I could be bothered to get up out of my seat and put in the energy to actually be social.

So the lesson: surround yourself with good people you love.

I found the following in a study guide for 7 Habits of Highly Effective People:

“The habits are designed, when you put them in practice, to help you mature as a person. This process of maturing is described below:

Dependence >> Independence >> Interdependence

We all start out life as babies completely dependent on our parents or other person to take care of us. This is a state of weakness and powerlessness.

As we grow up we work to become independent, moving out of our parent’s home, earning money for ourselves, etc. A person at this level is able to do things for himself and does not need anyone else to survive.

The greatest human achievements come from people working at the third level, interdependence. This is when people work together to achieve a common goal, and is the level of maturity of many people in a mature society or organization. This is how mankind has achieved things together that no single person could do alone.

Interdependence is the state of human development of greatest maturity and power.
As we develop our character as people, we grow in each of the seven areas described by the seven habits. In this process we move up the chart from dependence to independence to interdependence.”

Jeremy Soul

I first met those guys a couple of years ago when they started coaching for Love Systems. Since then, we’ll all travelled the world, had crazy dating adventures with women, and partied and got into all sorts of debauchery together.

Two years on, we have a shared history and brotherhood that’s hard to find. I’m a big believer in the power of history with people you meet in life. Whether that’s with women you’ve loved and been loved by, friends you’re journeyed through life with, or family you grew up with.

Those relationships need to be honoured and treasured. It’s those relationships that get you through life and all of its travails.

Glad to you know you boys, and look forward to more adventures and growth in the coming year.

Good times on the reg

Keith Ferazzi’s book Never Eat Alone is still on my reading list, but I just came across this link with notes for the book.

There’s some serious gold in there if you can work out how it all applies to Dating and meeting women. Take a look and see what you think…

http://bookoutlines.pbworks.com/Never-Eat-Alone